A Good Man

November 22, 2009

I recently came across a very sincere post from a young man that gave me pause for thought.  I actually posted it again here for as many ladies as possible to read….I’ll let you read it and then I’ve got lots to say….

Nice Phat Kid

We have all heard the saying nice guys finish last. Well were does the
nice phat kid finish? That has been the story of my life. I’ve always been a
big kid, some would even say phat. ( I spell it that way because I’m still
in denial about my weight) At the same time I have always been real
athletic, have you ever been to the park and saw that phat athletic kid on
the basketball courts, well my friends that is me. Being the nice phat kid is
very annoying and depressing at times. Back in high school I had about 6
crushes. It was more like puppy love. So I began to be friends with these
girls and time after time I got the false sense that these girls liked me in the boyfriend kind of way, so like any other man I attempted to take the relationship to next step. To my surprise each time I was hit with the your like my brother line, or my all time favorited your like a big teddy bear.Girls dont want Teddy bears they want the Bad Boy. Mean while my boys were straight assholes to girls and yet they pulled mad girls. As a teenage boy that shit is frustrating, you want a girlfriend you know, you want girls to like you and in my case it just wasn’t happening, why because I was nice and phat.

It wasn’t until recently that I felt comfortable with myself. Growing up I always
 wanted to be the little dude. Even in sports I have always favored with
the short quick guys instead of the guys who are built like me. In
basketball I thought I was a point guard, in football I thought I was a
Wide Receiver. I have always been the big “Nigga” when me and boys go out,
with being that big “Nigga” that meant I was the one who would go to club and not
get any females, or even get a dance, seeing this happen to me time after
time has left me lacking a little on the confidence side. It’s tough when you see your friends get all the girls. It”s  even tougher when you”re  the only one not in a relationship you start to feel like your just ugly and that stings, it actually hurts the heart. You begin to forget the qualities that make you who you are. For a period of time I forgot about my smile(its a great smile by the way). I forgot my sense of humor, I forgot my swag, I lost what made me “Boogs”. All because of what alot of women call attractive or fine. Well you know what I’m not trying to make alot of women think I’m fine, my goal is to make that one Woman think I’m fine. When that day comes that I meet that Woman, she will get everything That this Big Nigga Boogs has to offer.

There are times when I wish I could be that skinny asshole who gets all the Girls but thats just not me, I was raised in an all woman household. So I know the right way to treat a woman, so that’s why I’m nice to women and don’t disrespect them, I guess that makes me a nice guy, In America its taboo to be phat or overweight so with that being said we all know that attractive women are not going to be fucking with phat boys it just not heard of very often. Its not that i have trouble with women it that the type of women that i am attracted too are not trying to fuck with me. I tried to be an asshole and be a jack ass to women but it not me, it not who my mom raised me to be. Being the phat nice kid is who I am and I wouldn’t change it for anybody, my time is coming. Just remember PHAT BOY IS SUPER COOL.  

 I purposely did not edit the curse words or anything that this young man said, because I think it truly shows the hurt and frustration that he is feeling….So often as a woman I am mindful of other womens feelings, but I think sometimes I forget that men have feelings too…..they can be really good at hiding them and even don a fake bravado or the guise of a “jackass” but they are not immune to rejection and heartache.  I think we have created a culture of extreme narcissim where people are constanly valued and devalued for genetic qualities as well as financial accomplishments.  I can remember being that girl in the club, that was so insecure about what her friends might think that I turned down less handsome guys who sincerely offered the fun of a dance.  Time after time I fell in love with the “bad boy” the “ladies man” “the playa” and looked over the friend who listened to my sob stories and brought me soup when I had the flu….or the nice geeky guy who visited me in the hospital when I had my appendectomy…he did n’t care that I did not look fly in my hospital gown, he cared that I was going to be okay.  You see it wasn’t enough that they guy liked me…he had to be fine enough to make my girls envy me…and have enough money to make my family proud of me and……hard enough to make other men intimidated..Now mind you I never verbalized these requirements I don’t even think I was concious of them for many years…but after several failed relationships and over years of raising children alone  I met a man who was not  handsome enough to make my girls envy, he did not have enough money to make my family proud and in this society’s eyes his value is suspect…..  You see I went over the list I had of what I wanted in a man and I realized that in the end I want someone who loves me enough to bring me soup, listen to my sob stories and who will sit with me when I am in the hospital……and I am fighting daily to not let the media, the family or even my own thoughts make me  forget  what I  truly  value and desire in a man….the best gifts don’t always come in the prettiest package…. this is a topic I will be sharing more about so stay in touch.

“You Still Don’t Have a Man”

November 8, 2009

It was a sunny day and a gentle breeze was blowing.  My friend Val and I were riding to the store talking and laughing, catching up on one another’s latest news.  I was enjoying the afternoon, having made a conscious decision to relax and rejuvenate.  Val suggested we go to the store to get ingredients for her world famous brownie and cookie recipe(I can’t tell you what they are called or anything about them because she might have to kill me..lol) anyway trust me when I say we were about to splurge.  Our light banter continued as I followed Val down the well stocked shelves of her neighborhood market, suddenly from the corner of my eye I caught sight of the cutest baby girl I had seen in a long time.  I turned in the baby’s direction feeling strangely drawn closer to her.  There was something vaguely familiar about her heart shaped face and big brown eyes.  “Val look at that precious baby!” I cooed at her as we moved closer to her basket.  I had become aware that the child bore a striking resemblance to the youngest of my three children.  As we approached the shopping cart that held the adorable little girl I noticed the woman leaning over the frozen goods freezer her hand firmly grasping the side of the cart.  As the woman straightened and turned to speak to the child I suddenly lost the use of my lips as I froze with the shock of recognition.  It was unequivocably, yes definitely the woman married to my ex-husband.  Val says it was only a few seconds …to me ..it seemed an eon before I regained my composure and with a smile on my face greeted her.  I graciously introduced his wife and his child to my friend and we moved forward purposefully in pursuit of our craved for items.  The checkout line moved slowly and the waiting gave me plenty of  opportunity  to replay the scenes of his infidelity; the phone calls and hangups I received on our home phone, the mornings he came home late from his graveyard shift, his move into her home shortly after he left ours…the memories were all there and they were wrapped in a layer of anger and bitterness as if to make sure the memories would always remain fresh and intact.   My thoughts were interrupted by the need to pay attention as we made our way back to the car and as we finally pulled out of the lot all the emotions I had been controlling gushed out.  “Val, I feel like such a loser,  she must laugh at me and pity me, she probably thinks poor Angela, still don’t have a man”  Val looked at me, eyes wide with surprise and with her usual candor and forthright attitude said “What are you talking about?”  ” I thought you exhibited a lot of grace and class!”  “Great” I retorted with tears streaming down my face “at least I have class but I still don’t have my man” …Today as I drove down the freeway stereo blasting one of my favorite artists I was suddenly touched by a divine moment of clarity.  The artist was singing a dramatic romantic ballad written to her husband about his encouraging love.  I was listening to those words truly enjoying and basking in the light of the love she professed for her mate.  She proclaimed he loved her from her head to her toes..”You go sistah!” I shouted “Amen brotha, love that woman!” I exclaimed.  Surprised at my unbridled joy and celebration of a love that was not mine, I began to search my mind for those packages that had been so tightly sealed for years.  Ah! indeed those memories were still there but somehow something had broken through the wrappings of anger and bitterness and had seeped all over the contents of those boxes..yes there it was ….forgiveness……and love.  How did that happen I mused.  It had been 2 yrs since that day in the grocery store and I still did not have a serious relationship, but what I did have was the ability to give and receive love and a belief that maybe someday……..It has been 8 yrs since I originally wrote these words and I have been allowing God to do the continuous work in my heart that only he can. He does not remove the memories but he definitely removes their ability to hurt me  or hinder me in living a purposeful life.  In some books or blogs you might be given a formula of how I did this or that and God brought me the perfect relationship as a result of this formula…I can’t tell you that, what I can tell you is the belief that a man in my life is the ultimate criteria of worth and success has been rigorously exorcised  from my soul.   The belief that the one with the most stuff and the most fans is the winner is daily being washed away by the living word of God.   So much of our value as women is connected to who we date, or marry, what we own, how we look and we even have “christian self help ” (this phrase is an oxymoron because the whole point of being a christian is that I realize I can’t perfect myself)books telling us how to get more, be more do more.  I want to speak to your heart right now Ladies and I want to say ‘don’t buy in to this lie” you are capable of being whole, full and purposeful without being the perfect size, or having the perfect man and home.  Now understand I was a christian believing that I was a loser because I measured myself by the worlds standard of winning and I still struggle with the temptation to do that.  Here is the truth all these standards of beauty, success and proof of accomplishment are simply “baggage” ! …..Let it go ….Let  it go…Let  it go…and you will find the blessing of God in little things, the beauty of God in those who are broken and the triumph of God in those who are free to go where he sends them, love who he sends them and grow where he plants them.

Read Hebrews 12:1-2   and reflect on what weights or “baggage” you may ask God to help you strip away